where does the time go

On the second anniversary of my grandma’s death I buy fancy jewelry

I call my mom

I take my kitty to the vet

On the second anniversary of my grandma’s death, I go for a walk

I rewatch Forks

I make tomato salad and the burrata gets everywhere

On the second anniversary of my abortion, I take a cold shower

I cuddle my kitten

I RSVP to my step-sister’s wedding

On the second anniversary of my abortion, I eat a tuna sandwich

I teach my class

I lose $100 at the new casino downtown

Halfway through roulette I realize, oh, it’s been two years

I had forgotten

The time moves fast and slow

It has been two years

It has been two years!

It has been so long

It has been no time at all

Where does the time go?

I do not talk to my grandma like some people do, but I remember the way she felt. I remember the way she lit up when she saw me. I remember what it was like to love her like a little child and feel her goodness after all those years.

I do not miss any baby like some people do but I remember what it felt like to have one inside me. I remember what it was like to be in the clinic and to be too cold. I remember what it was like to burst through the operating room doors and have someone there waiting for me. I remember what it was like to be loved like a little child and feel my goodness after all those years.

Where does the time go?

I cuddle my kitten

I feed my neopets

I charge my airpods

I make tomato salad and all the burrata falls out

I desire to write but there is nothing to say!

And too much

I water my plants

I go for walks

I cuddle my kitten

I make dinner

I talk to my friend

I tell him, “I can’t find the words.”

“Say it simpler” he says.

But what am I trying to say?

I am trying to say that writing makes me feel alive

I am trying to say that writing makes me feel like life is truly good — that it is worth living

I am trying to say that I have felt like that for my whole life

Oh how lucky I am to have a secret portal to life’s one true goodness!

I am trying to say I miss my grandma

I think she would be proud of me

And the good life I am living